I was thinking recently, how tied down I have been with "projects", a collection of achievements that had become burdensome. Lets see, bicycling, the mountain bike scene, training several times a week, getting ready for something that's coming up, a race, an epic ride where you simply need to stay on the wheel of the guy in front of you. Then there was cross, a not so comfortable sport that I have participated in the past 7 or 8 years. I couldn't even get my head in the right place to show up this year. Too much pain, the knees were killing me, my back and neck a mess, and let's not forget, I was losing. Call it chronic fatigue syndrome if you may. I was burned out.
Yesterday was the first day riding my bike in a while. I will not give the exact time off because my nemesis will calculate the exact level of fitness to achieve for next years season, staying ahead of my fitness, over time, beating me in the early season. Screw that. I will be back. I had a nice ride, got caught in the rain with Little Buddy, because he said "we will be OK". Just after making the commitment to keep going amidst the dark cloud, she opened up on us at Greensfelder and slop was the next couple miles back to the car. Schuck and Thrashers cars had gathered their riders and were long gone.
I suppose it happened, this burnout kind of feeling, for a reason. The entire cycling thing has become a bit of a non-urgent commitment, back burnered and stuffed away behind piles of "other" stuff that I have to do. Even though I rode yesterday, I may still have issues rushing home to the closet to find just the right combination of clothes to put on, hoodies, booties, whatever, then load the car for the trails to find the fitness buzz, once again. I have gained 5 pounds.
There were other things that fell off the radar. This blog for example. There was no reason to write if nothing was worth writing about. It occurred to me again, that if I can't write about things that bother me without a condition of complete authentic free flow, what good is it? Maybe I have gone underground and you can find stuff hidden beneath the complexities of a alias, a lucid dream piloted by my own fantasy, if you will. There is a power having control this way. Honestly? There is no alias.
I did buy another guitar and some recording equipment for me and my kid to jack around with. Damned if I will understand how she suddenly sings and plays Taylor Swift. It wasn't long ago the Something Corporate was at the tip of her tongue. I am thinking this country rock thing will be the start of something new for her. As she reaches a time when she actually knows who she is and begins to experience things based on that realisation, things seem to get a little easier. The teenage years are a bitch. I recommend all parents simply rent a robot for this parenting juncture. Regardless. I have been spending the time necessary to establish and confirm my involvement as a role model for my kid. Doing what is necessary with her first, doing things of my own second.
Same thing goes with the wife. It occurred to me that there is a person sitting there that has yet to be explored in part. The part that hasn't been taken for granted or put on a shelf with a piece of paper that lists the reasons that I am with this person. Things were missing. There were things left off the list. Many things. Well, we made a list, a new one, one with authentic free flow, and some of that there lucid dreaming stuff. We have been able to set a new course. Like the trails of in a wooded park, as familiar as they might seem, there is always something new to experience. We have been spending a lot of time hiking with the dog. She had never been to Chubb, we did the flint quarry loop Saturday. There were so many things that I hadnt seen before while walking along the trial with my wife. Usually the head is down, concentration is key, speed, agility, skill. Could one become lost on a trail that he has ridden for years? I think this might have been the case.