Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Its 4:00 AM and I am feeling....

Since 2:30 I have been up, staring at the ceiling and looking at the brown dog at the foot of my bed sleep. She is so old now, so old that I can actually get up, go to the john, go back to bed in a cartwheel and she would still likely never flinch. Not unless it were one of the four times that she has to pee. She is all about waking our asses up for that. George Noory's "Coast to Coast" is on the radio (big 550) and, rather than become a disciple of that mess, I decided to roll out of bed about an hour ago and chew up another couple Alka Seltzer Cold and Sinus and spend some quality time on the computer.

Not sure why it is Alka Seltzer, my remedy-o-choice for the head and nose crap that I seem to have contracted from somebody with less than dandy hygiene. I have been completely virus/disease free for over a year now and apparently my roll has come to an end. I am sick. My stomach is in bad shape too, which seems odd. I have cancer, I know it. I need to check in right now, to make sure I have lived my life on the top of the tidal wave each day...

And as I sit here all freaked out from the preachers of doom on the radio, I seriously do ponder that which we probably all do (or should) from time to time-- Am I satisfied? Would I have done anything different in life? Am I who I am supposed to be? Are there things that I wish I had done that I didn't? Do I love and am I loved? Has my life become simply a living/existing shuffle, a conformity to a backdrop, adapting and reacting to what is doled out by our social condition?

I do hate that we have to conform to the human condition, the evolution of humans and the things in our society that benchmark our status--that there is a standard to meet when raising kids, having a job, providing, competing, making money, spending money. For me it has been the white picket fencing stuff that I have mentioned before. Is it all really necessary? Hurry up and measure your social status, folks. Collect the trophies of the big house, the cars, the "have".

I suppose that having to conform this way for reasons of keeping up with the standards has worked out pretty good for me, and I would say that life is good. I started with nothing and if things were stripped away, upon evaluation of all things considered, the journey has been a good one. I wonder though if I had enough challenge, was there enough adversity, overcoming of things. Should I have tested the boundaries of my resilience even more than I did?

I am convinced that I would be happier simply gathering food and being a nomad with my family and/or a small group of other gatherers or hunters, maybe back in the 1300's or something. Maybe I would have had more kids for living like that, introducing the tough spirit that resides within me. I like to fight for stuff, call things out, compete. I think my offspring and those I influence can carry the same torch. Farming, then trading, then competing for social status amongst the tribe, then going to war to kick the ass of other tribes, then conquering other communities, moving forward with my own disciples, introducing change, technology, growth...I am just saying...the Noory crap is getting to me.

My kids boyfriend brought home the book the Fifth Agreement written by Miguel Ruiz the other day. I recommend everyone read this book, or at least start with his first book, The Four Agreements. It is sad when you look at things through Miguel's eyes, our loss of spirit due to conforming to our surroundings, a reaction to the things we experience in our social condition. Like a child in his/her first years, we are untarnished with the demands of societies rules and react only to what we know and have experienced through love. Later in life, we adjust our reaction to the energy of others who have lost sight of the wild, untarnished and optimistic outlook.

Like the brown dog at the foot of the bed upstairs, I will try and sleep now.

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